A Q&A on LinkedIn yesterday directed the reader’s attention to a YouTube video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao) in which a young man offers validating comments to everyone he meets. His strategies range from pure compliments (“ You still have a great golf swing!” ) to detailed observation of what the person is doing well (“That’s why you’re great at what you do. You’re so thorough.”) It’s a sweet, feel-good video with some potentially useful lessons in how to connect with others.
Watching the video reminded me of the related, end of year task of giving feedback. I’m struck by how many of my coaching clients over the years have struggled with this task. In a seasonal analogy, if the guy in the video is Tiny Tim- optimistic, generous, happy- then many leaders when called upon to schedule performance reviews with their staff seem to suddenly conjure up some schizophrenic mélange of Scrooge Past and Future, and the clanking chains of Marley’s ghost. They dredge up the staff member’s every misstep from the beginning of their tenure and end with dire warnings about what will happen if the benighted soul doesn’t shape up. Sometimes this nightmare is unleashed after a quick sugar-coating of treacle is applied (“You know, I really appreciated the work you put into designing that report cover last month but…..”). Alternatively, the reviewer stays safely on the nice side, offering a sleigh-load of validating comments with a few vague suggestions for improvement tucked deep inside. (“…and you are so good about keeping your staff happy….and producing powerpoints that I use as exemplars and….if you could see your way clear to being a little more timely with your financials….and a great supporter of team spirit….”) The pattern that usually accompanies the latter is frustration because the staff member in question never changes!
So what can we learn from our video friend, the King of Validation, that might work even when the objective is to give feedback and stimulate people to change ? First of all, take a good look at how he connects. He makes authentic eye contact, allows a few moments of silence and offers a genuine smile. He doesn’t just launch into speaking; he authentically connects with the other person. The guy’s a genius at sensing what’s important to the other person. He doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all toolkit. The comments he offers are specific, concrete and personalized. It’s not simply that he says “that’s a great suit.” He also notes that it looks particularly good on the person wearing it. He never turns a compliment to his own advantage (e.g. I have a similar suit and always get compliments when I wear it, too). He owns his own reactions, saying “You have great eyes. I could look into them forever.” He offers his verbal gifts as just gifts, no strings attached. The human connection comes first, whether he’s stamping parking tickets or mediating peace in the Middle East. Making these kinds of connections can be learned and both the giver and receiver are better for it.
Imagine I’m looking at you and smiling. I am grateful you’ve been willing to read along. You must have an inquiring mind and a willingness to reflect on yourself and learn. What a wonderful thing to have people like you in the world! I’d welcome hearing from you.
